I love rugby.

I used to play it to a decent standard when I was young, flexible and believed in so many innocent things.

In my prime, I was chiseled, fast as hell and could always score if the ball found its way into my hands (and I didn’t drop it due to the extreme temperatures involved with playing at 8.30am on a Sunday morning in Scotland and the North of England).

I started to lose interest when I went to University and started to DJ, chicks came easier and the rugby guys were, well, arseheads at the place where I went.

So rugby and I parted ways for many years.

15+ years later, a top bloke called Andy Pyzer (martial arts guru, libido legend and the funnist bloke with whom I have ever worked) invited me to DJ the Dubai Rugby Sevens.

We had a  blast.

Andy Pyzer, Kev Scorah, Austin, me (obviously), Alan Ewens

There was a huge buzz at that time because the Dubai Rugby Sevens was proving to be not just the event of the local expat year, but people were travelling from across the world to attend, get boxed and then have no idea how they spent the weekend.

When Andy emigrated, I was asked to run the team.

My arse was twitching.

Big gig, tons at stake, could I manage it?

Did I want to pay my rent?

Well, I gave it a go.

Jeff Price, fat bloke, Ray Reid, Kev Scorah

There were perks to running the gig.

Like this…

Brooke and the Agrekko Dynamos

and this…

I hate my job, all those girls make me feel unclean. That's why we make them stay away!!!

But the painful truth is this is what we really got to see…

Girls Gone Wild? Nope. Girls Gone Mental.

and this is what burnout at the event does for the organisers…

Andy Pyzer, Brooke and Belinda had been living rough in a skip for years

and to us…

Jeff Price, fat controller, Susie Illyan & Kev Scorah. Cross the street to avoid these people!

So where are we now?

Well earlier this year we got to host the Rugby World Cup Sevens (doesn’t that scan wrong to you? Should be the World Cup Rugby Sevens?)

That was probably the biggest gig of our lives.

In the end, 780 million watched on TV with about 80,000 attending the event.

I found out a few days ago that the event was instrumental in getting Rugby Sevens into the Olympics in 2016.

http://www.scrum.com/sevensworldcup/rugby/story/97215.html <http://www.scrum.com/sevensworldcup/rugby/story/97215.html>

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/olympic_games/8196956.stm <http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/olympic_games/8196956.stm>

I know that our contribution helped.

Me on TV, looking sober, fat but happy

So now we are heading towards the next one in December.

I can’t wait.

It’ll be my 9th year and I am so grateful for the chance to have worked with such cool folks and entertained so many people over the years.

One day they will sack me or I will just get bored and stop doing it completely.

Not this year.

See you at the sevens.

Laters…

It’s been a while since i last posted anything.

There should be a good reason like

• Perhaps I was travelling (I was but NOT for 3 weeks).
• I was in prison (I’m married – it feels the same but you can work around it).
• My legs dropped off (I have got legless on several recent occasions but I probably write better when I am like that).

The simple truth is I couldn’t be arsed. I think I am going through my male menopause as I became needy after watching ‘I Love You Man’.

Very unlike me.

I only snapped out of it by indulging in a health session of watching ‘Alien Ressurection’ (not the best in the series but Ron Perlman pre Hellboy rocks in pure badassness.

and then some grot.

NO VIDEO

So there.

I am now back to normal and ready to continue my world domination plans.

Except, I don’t want most of the world – just the best bits.

I have also finished writing my books and will be giving you the chance to read it all first.

Especially if you want to stop smoking

http://www.stopsmokingarabia.com

I am seriously contemplating getting my hypnosis show back on the road.

It’s mad fun and everyone loves it.

Have a look at this clip…

I want to get this done by September.

Any ideas about how to make it happen?

Let me know.

Life’s good when you are bad.

Laters…

The latest trailer for a movie called 2012 has just been released.

It’s by Roland Emmerich, the guy behind Independence Day (end of the world movie), The Day After Tomorrow (end of the world movie) and 10,000 Years BC (end of my patience movie).

I think he wants us to die because he spends so much time and energy showing us what it will look like.

Personally, I don’t need to know. I have been in a 70% off sale at Harvey Nichols and I see what this can do for people.

They lose their minds (and wallets) and spend a fortune on last year’s collection.

Goodness knows what the same people would be like when we have no electricity, no food and no Facebook.

They say that we are only 3 meals away from becoming savage and abandoning the rule of law. In that case the drivers on the way home last night must be starving.

Crazy buggers weaving in and out like they were auditioning for Fast and Furious 5 (except, I don’t think their careers were desperate enuff to warrant being in THAT film). There will be people every day who will experience Armageddon at the wheels of a FJ Cruiser, Hummer or similar vehicle that says ’spoiled rich boy inside’ on the wheel cover.

Then there are the guys working on building sites in this heat 10 stories up wearing flip flops, add to that every war zone, natural disaster and drive by shooting of the last 24 hours which is being casually chatted about on CNN and then you have quite and amazing fact.

Dying horribly in 2012 is a better prospect of life than many people actually get.

Whatever you plan to do today, do it with a big fat smile.

Also live the next 24 hours like it might be the last.

Big smile, stay chilled out and enjoy every second of every day.

If Nostradamus is right and the predictions come true, don’t you think you should have shagged a little bit more?

If you are married, ignore this last call to action.

Or use it at home.

Or watch some grot.

Or just do the usual and bury yourself in a bottle of Jack and get the PS3 out.

That’s probably how I’ll go down.

Scoring 10-0 against Manchester United.

There is a god.

Laters.

BNI stands for Business Networking International.

Google it yourself for the full details.

I live in Sharjah (about 1 hour drive from Dubai – on a very good day).

My dilemma is not so much about the 3.55am wake up every Monday morning.

Nor is it about the problem based on leaving the house at 5.25am exactly in order to be at the Westin Hotel for 6.45am to start networking.

I’d like to add that ‘To have breakfast OR not’ is a small issue when I know that I am paying for a full one at 9.00am and any cheating I do will spoil my delicate seafood (and eat it) diet.

Similarly, waking up the Mrs by clunking around the house in a blind stupor whilst trying to find clean pants, socks, shirts, trousers and a BNI lapel badge knowing that although she respects your work ethic, she will have your nuts in an ashtray should her delicate 12 hour slumber get interrupted. Trip the wire? No shag for a month.

Down that road, let’s not include that horny ‘I love you honey and couldn’t possibly leave you without a brief bout of “Mr Wobbly Hides His Helmet” – PLEASE’ either.

Nor the chance to take an hour of deep thinking as the world wakes up and reliving the experience in the same way as I did doing a newspaper run when I was 11. Bin it too.

When I consider the options, breaking onto a neighbour’s house who may be an international spy, stealing vital documents and then embarking on a ‘24 -like’ Jack Bauer-esque amazing adventure, saving the president, freeing a third world country and dismantling an atomic bomb designed to plunge us into another world war? Nooooo. Not that too.

The problem is this.

I normally have a dump at 7.30am after a cup of herbal tea.

BNI drives it until a return at 2pm.

After 40, there are a limited amount of pleasures in life.

This is one.

Is BNI worth it?

Well it’s been 3 years of attendance for the Falcon Chapter so far.

That’s a lot of missed reading material.

The dilemma continues.

Oh, I didn’t even mention about getting the horn.

Sleep well now.

I’ll be driving.

Laters…

I just watched England’s football team beat Khazakstan 4-0 as part of their World Cup qualifier campaign. I was so pleased how we (6th in the FIFA rankings) Vs Borat land (132nd or something).

The pitch looked like the cows who usually adorn it were shifted to the car park, sorry tractor park, outside. In my 40 years (born 1967) I have been unable to see Engalnd win anything major. The last soccer trophy was in 1966. Come to think of it (which my dad probably did) maybe it inspired me. In a ‘back of the net’ kind of way.

Don’t call me ungrateful. The rugby world cup was very special but I was in Vegas at the time and nobody I met had heard of either rugby or England. By the time I got back to Dubai, the fun was over and people had stopped drinking to celebrate it.

I saw the highlights on the plane back and allowed myself to slip into a stupor to mark the time.

I do that a lot.

Having lived abroad for the last 15 years, it has helped to strengthen my relationship with the UK. I was disappointed enough to emigrate because of a lack of opportunities within the then covertly racist Auntie Beeb (BBC).

BBC Radio Cleveland Days, so much promise. So big teeth.

I gave up. Jumped on the first passing plane and arrived in the UAE.

Arse.

Never really missed home and never wanted to go back too often.

Until now.

The British National Party (BNP) has just taken some significant seats in the local elections.

They are the modern equivalent of the Nazi party.

This is really making me question my heritage. Am I a black British expat with a pride for home but no wish to go back and live there or am I a traveller forever with a faded flag on my passport who’s played right into the hands of those who would chant ‘Blacks out!’   by leaving the country anyway?

I want to go back and do something.

Maybe I’ll just renew my 15 year passport.

Or stop caring.

Or thrash Germany again on the PS3.

That sounds like the one.

Laters…

We went to a house party last night for Proshat’s husband Eiko. Felt a little English in a room full of Germans but if they noticed, they didn’t say anything. We had a great laugh. Everyone was really polite about everything, even the incredible 7-2 drubbing of the UAE national team by Germany on Tuesday merited a ‘Good game’.

If it was England beating ANYONE, I would have been doing cartwheels (as far as fat blokes do cartwheels – basically drinking) as many times as I could and shouting ‘Have some of that’ at anybody who could see me.

One thing we all agreed on was how potentially f*$@ed up Dubai could be if it doesn’t start looking after the people who built it. That’s us.

I’ve done 15 years out here and whilst I don’t want handouts or hand shandies, I think that, like every company going through a financial crisis, It is time to address the troops.

Tell the people how much you appreciate their loyalty and input. Let them know that everything is being done to make things better in the future. Explain how even though money is short, memories are long and a little faith in the system will go a long way when the crisis is over.

Basically say ‘Thank you. We appreciate you being part of the family.’

Of course, that’s not going to happen.

This summer maybe 500,000 people will leave and won’t come back. Many will leave huge mortgages or similar debts behind them as well as their best friends and adopted families. All that good will and emotional investment will be left at the airport forever.

Just because the guys upstairs didn’t say ‘Thank you.’

I said thank you to my wife this morning.

We had a shag.

Laters.

An evening spend with the company of life coaches can do many things.

It can make you feel important for changing the world a person at a time.

It can also stimulate all manner of ideas about increasing your productivity and reaching more people.

It can also make you think whether you would shag Susan Boyle.

Wait. That’s not fair.

Well, you’d be famous.

Still not interested?

Well let me incentivize you.

Would YOU shag Susan Boyle if:

a) You would become famous for it?

b) You could get away with it and nobody would know  but you could prove it by foto down the pub.

c) If,  like in Indecent Proposal, they would pay you a million dollars to do it?

d) 2 million?

e) 5 million?

f) 10 million but it had to be televised live on the net?

g) You had to marry her and be by her side 24 hours a day – even when she is having a plop?

h) She gets to force you to do very messy things to all her school mates (also 48 with moustaches)?

i) You get 11 million but Robert Redford gets to shag you too?

j) You get 5 million but then have to have ‘intimate relations’ with Liz Taylor (pretend to be a trucker)?

k) You get 10,000 USD but have to wear an ‘I love Susan Boyle’ t-shirt to work for a year?

l) You get 11 million plus a choice of car, but have to play her rendition of  ‘Memories’ and ‘I dreamed a dream’ whenever you are in it?

m) You got 50,000 USD had to wear her bloomers as a hat for a month?

n) Ummm.. just more very bad things.

I feel much better now.

Good luck Susan with the film, album and CD.

You made a happy man feel very old.

If the above offended you, stop watching reality TV.

I was just having a series of thoughts and being Bad Dave.

I will be nicer tomorrow.

Maybe.

Laters…

I don’t understand it. We are grumpy and inconsiderate. We fart and belch and have a sly lust after Megan Fox. We are pretty shallow and transparent (and she is an extremely hot chick).

But where did PMT come from? It’s not fair, it’s unpredictable and it doesn’t matter how much you think you get the rules (duration, wrong conversations to have, breathing too much oxygen) they have changed again since the last time.

As Mr Garrison said in South Park the movie, never trust anything that bleeds for 4 days and doesn’t die.

I’m not looking for sympathy here, just a little nodding empathy.

The problem is this isn’t a PMT day.

I remember the last one. Werewolves have the same frequency too.

I have no idea what’s going on, I just want things to be groovy, quiet and cool again.

Not quiet and cool like dumping a body in the freezer (don’t tempt me), just what I signed on for.

Borat got it right.

Anyway, I’m happily married and this is just part of the loving adventure.

She’ll be back home when she’s calmed down.

Hopefully before midnight.

23.50 would be perfect.

‘Burn Notice’ will be finished by then.

Never get mad.

Watch silly spy TV.

Then check Friends Reunited to laugh at divorcees from my school.

At least I haven’t their stuff to deal with.

Yet.

I wonder if I Google ‘Megan Fox contact’, it will show up accidentally in a website.

Aha…

Let me know how you get on.

http://www.contactanycelebrity.com/trial/do/celebrityView?name=megan+fox

Internet is slow and that sounds like my Tazzy Devil coming home.

Another time?

Planning a series of hypnosis shows in the near future.

Dubai needs the homegrown showbiz.

I could do with the buzz and the spending loot.

Finished reading Steve Martin’s autobiog today.

Outliers 10,000 hours and ten year rule was true.

18 years before he became the biggest comedian in the world.

Then he got bored and packed it in.

Does that work for marriage?

Enough already.

Laters…

I’ve had a shitty day.

Started of the usual Monday up at 4am to get to a 6.45am BNI meeting.

The bedroom AC is on the blink but my beautiful wife’s nasty mood from last night made me feel like I’d been sleeping in a fridge.

After the meeting I had two lifecoaching sessions virtually back to back.

The first was a CEO looking for a sales manager.

The second was a sales manager looking for a new job.

They weren’t compatible so I didn’t hook them up.

Found out that I, like many others felt  a bad ‘feng shui’ night from the beautiful and alluring Proshat who had also had a domestic the previous evening and told me so had 5 of her friends.

Spooky?

Anyway, got a quiet night ahead watching Burn Notice, looking for old school mates to play ‘comparisions’ with on www.Friendsreunited.com and contemplating exactly when I start a fitness regime that I will stick to.

Of course, there are more details but so far you are on a ‘need to know’ basis and you really couldn’t care yet.

Oh. For the nostalgics and newcomers…

This is The Lost Boys Movie trailer -

Keifer Sutherland pre ‘24′, Alex Winter pre ‘Bill and Ted’ and Jason Patric before we found out her was a … um… ‘limited’ actor.

Speed 2 anyone?

No. I didn’t think so.

Gotta plat my hair, prep for a training session (Referral Institute) and brace myself for a heated conversation when the wife gets back.

So I’ll go now.

I’m sure you understand.

Oh listening to Steve Martin’s autobiography in the car.

Originally a magician and banjo player.

Who’d have imagined?

Laters…

This is a sample of what I do for a living.

I’ll explain how I do it at a later date.

Yes it is real.

Yes, it is unbelieveable.

Yes, I could use hypnosis for very bad things.

We can discuss that and more at a later date too.

Just want to give you a heads up as to who I am and where I am coming from.

I also need to do more shows too.

Soon. Or at least before I get bored of doing them.