So where do I start?

I am a big fan of the England football team.

You probably know that already.

As an expat, it becomes quite important as a postcard from home.

Last night the England team played in the European U21 Cup final.

I started off very proud until we got beaten into a little wet puddle of poo.

By Germany.

Again.

This time 4-0.

It was like watching a neutered puppy trying to hump a rottweiler.

I now have to come to terms with the fact that it’s been 25 years since the U21s won anything and 43 years since the grown ups won anything either.

I am 41.

I may never see any England team lift anything but a set of car keys to their Ferrari.

Even Beckham is going to retire soon.

At least he’s made millions from watching England win nothing.

I got nothing except pissed and pissed off.

I’m halfway through my natural lifespan.

The next half has grey hairs, impotence and nappies.

Both halves have nappies.

I’m probably never going to see them win anything ever.

But I have found a solution.

Ron Jeremy.

He’s old, fat and scores every single time.

The hedgehog of love is an inspiration to us all.

Maybe David Beckham should grow a big nasty moustache too?

Just a thought.

By the way, if you have to Google Ron Jeremy to understand the above, you shouldn’t really be reading it.

‘Give me some love baby.’

Laters.