After 6 months (World Cup Rugby Sevens) we are back in action for the normal Rugby Sevens.

I’m looking forward to having fun with Jeff, Kev, the Mrs and a host of cheerleaders.

Talking about cheerleaders…

How I have to suffer this week (again)!

So much to do this week, I really can’t afford the time to hang out with the girls.

I’ll see what I can do.

But if I can’t?

What to do?

If you can help with this please let me know by Twittering me @thelifedesigner

I look forward to your tweet…

Laters

Well, there have been reasons.

Crappy ones really.

Starting with the fact that I wanted to launch this as a video blog and so splashed out on the correct equipment but then got distracted and haven’t made my show yet.

To cut a long story short, I have been working.

I almost ran out of cash too.

Dubai’s long dead summer plus the ‘no entertainments during Ramadan’ rule almost meant 4 months of no earnings at all. Add rent, car renewal, trade license and visa costs (plus sending the wife on holiday to her folks) and you’ve got an Oliver Twist 2.0 scenario.

I’ve been hiring staff and firing staff and building my online team.

I’ve also been speaking – quite a lot.

For free (what a crock).

Here’s a pic from last week’s gig ‘Get Out Of The Rat Race In One Year’

Those zombie knew a good thing when they saw one...

I’ve also got my own first gig for a long while in 2 weeks.

Life Design Boot Camp. (http://www.lifedesignbootcamp.com)

I’m excited as my books are ready to go and my first commercial website is up and running (even though it needs a lttle tweaking).

http://www.stopsmokingarabia.com

This has a book and CD’s using NLP and Hypnosis to stop you smoking in up to 30 days.

Almost makes you want to start so you can stop again

I’ve even got an advert on Facebook as of this morning.

A few weeks ago I launched a new site about all my past exploits.

I think part of it is because I know that you are getting bored of me talking about past events and successes (yawn) and also because I have done so much stuff, I am sick of the ‘pecking order game’ when an event organiser compares me to the cheaper options and actually considers choosing them!

Come on!

Take a look at http://www.theworldsbestmc.com and feel all that showbiz goodness come through the laptop.

Well at least now it should.

Of course I have other stuff going on too.

Today I am selling my wife’s car.

She hasn’t driven it for about a year because it is a heap of shit and we didn’t know until money changed hands.

10 year old Land Rover Discovery’s should be petrol bombed.

I’m selling this one for peanuts just to get it off the yards.

Some dodgy dealers are coming round to buy it in an hour from now.

I might keep the stereo remote control.

Because I can.

And a wheel.

The steering one.

Laters.

I don’t know what to do.

My head is in bits.

My parents live with me and Azizah (the wife) and have done for the last 2 years. They left the West Indies to go for an eye operation and start a new life and ended up staying with us in Dubai since.

I love them, but can’t live with them any more.

I told them by email yesterday (they are in the UK on holiday).

Will I go to hell for this?

I just don’t want to co-habit with another couple.

ANY couple.

They are coming back to discuss it all in about a week.

How do you tell your ageing parents to move out?

They are fit and smart and cool.

We just need space to enjoy each other and make babies.

My head is in bits.

Cruel to be kind?

Peter, Eugenie and baby David

I know what I have to do, but it still hurts like shit.

Keep you posted…

Laters.

I love rugby.

I used to play it to a decent standard when I was young, flexible and believed in so many innocent things.

In my prime, I was chiseled, fast as hell and could always score if the ball found its way into my hands (and I didn’t drop it due to the extreme temperatures involved with playing at 8.30am on a Sunday morning in Scotland and the North of England).

I started to lose interest when I went to University and started to DJ, chicks came easier and the rugby guys were, well, arseheads at the place where I went.

So rugby and I parted ways for many years.

15+ years later, a top bloke called Andy Pyzer (martial arts guru, libido legend and the funnist bloke with whom I have ever worked) invited me to DJ the Dubai Rugby Sevens.

We had a  blast.

Andy Pyzer, Kev Scorah, Austin, me (obviously), Alan Ewens

There was a huge buzz at that time because the Dubai Rugby Sevens was proving to be not just the event of the local expat year, but people were travelling from across the world to attend, get boxed and then have no idea how they spent the weekend.

When Andy emigrated, I was asked to run the team.

My arse was twitching.

Big gig, tons at stake, could I manage it?

Did I want to pay my rent?

Well, I gave it a go.

Jeff Price, fat bloke, Ray Reid, Kev Scorah

There were perks to running the gig.

Like this…

Brooke and the Agrekko Dynamos

and this…

I hate my job, all those girls make me feel unclean. That's why we make them stay away!!!

But the painful truth is this is what we really got to see…

Girls Gone Wild? Nope. Girls Gone Mental.

and this is what burnout at the event does for the organisers…

Andy Pyzer, Brooke and Belinda had been living rough in a skip for years

and to us…

Jeff Price, fat controller, Susie Illyan & Kev Scorah. Cross the street to avoid these people!

So where are we now?

Well earlier this year we got to host the Rugby World Cup Sevens (doesn’t that scan wrong to you? Should be the World Cup Rugby Sevens?)

That was probably the biggest gig of our lives.

In the end, 780 million watched on TV with about 80,000 attending the event.

I found out a few days ago that the event was instrumental in getting Rugby Sevens into the Olympics in 2016.

http://www.scrum.com/sevensworldcup/rugby/story/97215.html <http://www.scrum.com/sevensworldcup/rugby/story/97215.html>

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/olympic_games/8196956.stm <http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/olympic_games/8196956.stm>

I know that our contribution helped.

Me on TV, looking sober, fat but happy

So now we are heading towards the next one in December.

I can’t wait.

It’ll be my 9th year and I am so grateful for the chance to have worked with such cool folks and entertained so many people over the years.

One day they will sack me or I will just get bored and stop doing it completely.

Not this year.

See you at the sevens.

Laters…

It’s been a while since i last posted anything.

There should be a good reason like

• Perhaps I was travelling (I was but NOT for 3 weeks).
• I was in prison (I’m married – it feels the same but you can work around it).
• My legs dropped off (I have got legless on several recent occasions but I probably write better when I am like that).

The simple truth is I couldn’t be arsed. I think I am going through my male menopause as I became needy after watching ‘I Love You Man’.

Very unlike me.

I only snapped out of it by indulging in a health session of watching ‘Alien Ressurection’ (not the best in the series but Ron Perlman pre Hellboy rocks in pure badassness.

and then some grot.

NO VIDEO

So there.

I am now back to normal and ready to continue my world domination plans.

Except, I don’t want most of the world – just the best bits.

I have also finished writing my books and will be giving you the chance to read it all first.

Especially if you want to stop smoking

http://www.stopsmokingarabia.com

I am seriously contemplating getting my hypnosis show back on the road.

It’s mad fun and everyone loves it.

Have a look at this clip…

I want to get this done by September.

Any ideas about how to make it happen?

Let me know.

Life’s good when you are bad.

Laters…

I’ve had a busy day.

I’ve just watched ‘The Hangover’

It made me laugh like I would burst and inspired me to post a very bad joke…

Jackson 5 - Who's bad now?

Right.

I can tell where this is going.

I’m gonna put in things I might regret.

Like this…

When saying 'stay' just isn't enough

and this…

Just say 'no'.

or maybe this…

Don't laff she could have you next

and lastly this…

Never used to let them stay over that long.

ahhhh….

That’s better.

I feel normalised now.

It’s a good thing I didn’t watch Bruno.

Laters.

One of the coolest things about working for yourself is that you get to choose when to work, who to see, when to stay in bed.

Your meetings are always in Starbucks and you can use your laptop there too.

You can go to work late and knock off early.

If anyone criticises you or tries to play some kind of ‘office politics’ you can just tell them to piss off and never talk to them again.

So with all this freedom why am I so tired?

There aren’t enough hours in the day.

I am rationing my meetings as I have to stay in and work instead from home.

I have money to go out to play but a responsibility to get out of bed first.

I have a plan.

When this works, I will be able to stay in bed forever.

No I am not becoming a male prossie.

But there’s a thought…

Nope. The wife would never allow it.

Plus my bum might hurt.

Chick go wild.

So what am I going to do to escape from the rat race?

I will be using Robert Kiyosaki’s cashflow quadrant to do it.

Sheer genius.

Passive income forever.

This guy and all his friends are going to help me.

I will show you everything in 4 weeks and then help you to do the same thing.

No BS.

This real.

Keep watching this space.

Laters.

I went to see Keane in concert last week.

I love their music, but it felt like seeing a really really really good student band.

I must be old and cynical now, but cherub cheeked lead singer Tom Chaplin looks about 12 which is probably why is able to sing like an angel.

Did that sound a bit gay?

No?

Good.

What freaked me out was how much being a man of limited stature (short arse) meant that you can’t see anything at a pop concert unless you are:

a) backstage.

b) onstage.

c) 6ft 6inches (at least)

d) at the front (get there 60 minutes before everyone else? – stalker time)

e) bring a chair (security don’t like it much apparently)

f) you hang from the ceiling like Spiderfan (and get an upside down view)

g) something else so weird that I havent even thought about it yet

So basically all I could get on camera was this…

bastardos!

or this…

lanky bastardos

so I moved away and went off in search of Keane and found it all empty at the side.

Nice.

Finally Cherub Chaplin Yippee!

And then I got drunk.

Top night.

Nice one Keane.

Last concert for a while tho.

Quiet summer ahead.

Enjoy it whilst you can.

There’s always your iPod and the bottle.

Laters.

Just been working my way through my Facebook friends.

New on the list is Ross Jeffries.

For those who don’t know him, Ross Jeffries is probably one of the world’s foremost experts in SPEED SEDUCTION.

This is the incredible multi-million (maybe billion) dollar industry which trains guys to pull girls using NLP (neuro linguistic programming) and lots of funny cocky banter.

It is fascinating and it works too.

Check out Ross’s online training sessions…

Have you seen this?

Cool as a cucumber and looking like someone’s horny uncle.

I don’t know his age but he is getting more tail than guys a third of his age ALL ADDED TOGETHER.

I’m not jealous, I love my wife.

I’m just merely pointing out a fact like a football fan who doesn’t want to play for his country, but wouldn’t turn down a signed match ball.

Who is going to look after you and feed you when you are old, grey, wearing diapers and eating Murray Mints and Bourbon biscuits?

My answer? My beautiful wife Azizah.

Ross’s answer? An endless conveyor belt of nubile coeds with cheerleader outfits and George Clooney fetishes.

Good for him.

There will come a time when he’ll look back on his existence full of non-stop humping, orgies and baby oil. It will all seem like an empty battle for significance.

Meanwhile, I’ll be in a wheel chair with a blanket over my unemployed tickle tackle area eating ice cream and talking about invisible friends.

But I’ll have stayed faithful for life.

So who gets the last laff now?

Johnson’s baby oil.

Durex condoms.

Gimp mask manufacturers.

Nurses uniform makers.

Importers of live chickens.

Hmmm…

The last one was weird but someone somewhere is nodding in agreement.

Ross Jeffries.

We salute you.

And all who sail on you.

Laters.

So where do I start?

I am a big fan of the England football team.

You probably know that already.

As an expat, it becomes quite important as a postcard from home.

Last night the England team played in the European U21 Cup final.

I started off very proud until we got beaten into a little wet puddle of poo.

By Germany.

Again.

This time 4-0.

It was like watching a neutered puppy trying to hump a rottweiler.

I now have to come to terms with the fact that it’s been 25 years since the U21s won anything and 43 years since the grown ups won anything either.

I am 41.

I may never see any England team lift anything but a set of car keys to their Ferrari.

Even Beckham is going to retire soon.

At least he’s made millions from watching England win nothing.

I got nothing except pissed and pissed off.

I’m halfway through my natural lifespan.

The next half has grey hairs, impotence and nappies.

Both halves have nappies.

I’m probably never going to see them win anything ever.

But I have found a solution.

Ron Jeremy.

He’s old, fat and scores every single time.

The hedgehog of love is an inspiration to us all.

Maybe David Beckham should grow a big nasty moustache too?

Just a thought.

By the way, if you have to Google Ron Jeremy to understand the above, you shouldn’t really be reading it.

‘Give me some love baby.’

Laters.